Want to be a better lover but not sure where to start?
Maybe your sex life has become a tired routine, and you’re looking for ways to spice things up, or maybe you want to find out how to really pleasure your partner and make sure they’re left feeling happy and satisfied.
Everyone wants to make sure they are a good lover for their partner, and for good reason. Sex therapists agree that continued sexual dissatisfaction is damaging to relationships, and yet many couples don’t discuss it because they either feel uncomfortable, or they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings.
Keep reading to discover transformative sex tips you can implement today that will make a huge difference to your relationship and your sex life.
1. Communication is Key
Probably the most important tip for being better in bed is to listen to your partner’s needs. Ask your partner what they like and dislike, and if there is anything they want to change or anything new they want to try.
Don’t be afraid to be open about what you like as well, as your partner wants to be a better lover for you too!
Many people feel uncomfortable starting a conversation about sex with their partner. If you feel this way, next time you have sex try saying things like ‘does this feel good?’, and ‘show me how you would like to be touched’. This can help your partner to open up and guide you in a way that is likely to make them feel less intimidated.
Also, remember that physical communication is just as important as verbal communication — pay attention to your partner’s body language during sex. If they are pulling away, it could be a sign to slow down or try something different.
2. Be Open to Exploration
A great way to start communicating more is to discuss things you can explore together. According to a Men’s Health survey, one in three women has something they really want to try but are afraid to bring it up.
You could try both making a yes/no/maybe list and comparing them. This may feel awkward at first, but it helps to ensure that you are both on the same page, and you may find new mutual interests that wouldn’t have come up in conversation without making the list.
A good tip here is to create a safe space for your partner to feel comfortable and open to talk about things they want to explore. You can do this by letting them know that you won’t judge them for what they like, and by sharing your own list of things to explore first.
3. Prioritize your Partner’s Pleasure
Good sex is about mutual enjoyment and pleasure. However, if you prioritize your partner’s pleasure over your own, you’re both more likely to enjoy it. Be selfless and try to focus on your partner’s pleasure rather than your own, and in turn, they should focus on you.
Women typically take longer to orgasm, but ensuring your partner’s pleasure isn’t all about your sexual performance and how long you can last, it’s simply about your partner feeling happy and satisfied after sex.
If you’re concerned about your sexual performance, this guide has some remedies that may be helpful.
Pay attention to verbal and physical cues, and eventually, you will learn what your partner likes. Communication is key!
4. Make Time for Sex
Many couples struggle to make time for sex due to having hectic lifestyles, or other life priorities getting in the way. A quickie is good every now and again, but try to slow down and make time for longer sessions when you can.
A way of getting around this is to schedule sex. It may sound boring, but it can actually build up excitement and anticipation, and you can also plan new things you want to try together. Certified sex coach Gigi Engle explains how to schedule sex and swears by it for maintaining intimacy and happiness in relationships.
Having time for foreplay helps to increase arousal and make sex more pleasurable. Some people even consider foreplay to be better than the sex itself and find it preferable to penetrative sex. It also teaches the art of giving, and how to focus on your partner rather than yourself.
5. Consider your Partner’s Sex Drive
Your partner’s sex drive may not be aligned with yours, and that’s okay. There is no right or wrong amount to have sex as a couple, as long as you’re both happy. Communicating about this is essential — your partner may not be aware that you want to have sex more or less often than they do.
Sex drive mismatch is very common and can cause tension if not discussed. Remember that quality is more important than quantity and that the connection between the two of you is the key thing.
6. Switch Things Up
Sex doesn’t have to always be in the bedroom. Try different rooms and locations such as the shower, kitchen counter, or on a chair.
Different positions are an easy way to switch things up too. These don’t have to be confusing or complicated, and you don’t need to be flexible either. Try these 7 easy sex positions for beginners.
Feeling more adventurous? Involving toys can be a fun way to spice up your sex life. There are many toys that are designed for couples, or alternatively, you can use a solo device on your partner for their pleasure.
7. The Importance of Mood
The emotional side of sex is just as important as the physical. Being a better lover means always thinking about your partner’s mood.
Your relationship outside of the bedroom has a big part to play in this. Make sure your partner feels valued and appreciated in the relationship.
Consider finding ways to make your partner feel loved and sexy throughout the day to boost their mood, such as sending them messages, complimenting them, or buying them gifts. Making pleasure a part of the whole day means they are more likely to be ready for sexual pleasure in the bedroom when the time comes.
8. Explore your Partner’s Body
Don’t neglect the rest of your partner’s body. Extragenital erogenous zones are parts of the body that are not near the genitals but can still pleasure your partner, and there is a multitude of erogenous zones for both men and women.
You can explore these during both foreplay and sex and see how your partner responds. Pay attention to verbal and physical cues, and don’t be afraid to ask your partner about what feels good for them.
Different parts of the body will respond to different things. For example, a softer touch will feel better on more sensitive areas. If you want to take this to the next level, try using toys to explore different parts of their body.
9. Think About the After
Sex doesn’t have to end after orgasm — intimacy and affection are important when it comes to making love to your partner. Thinking about what makes you both feel good after sex is a great way to enjoy the post-sex afterglow together.
New research on the importance of cuddling shows that it leads to increases in both sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Try to not fall asleep or leave the room immediately after, and stay present with your partner to boost your bond and increase intimacy in your relationship. You can continue to spend time together after sex by doing things like eating a meal together or having a shared shower.
10. Practice Makes Perfect
Become a better lover and practice your sex techniques by having more sex, more often. Learning anything comes with experience and practice.
Remember that every person is different and will enjoy and respond to different things, and it can take time to learn how to be a good lover with a new person.
If you feel like you lack experience, or you and your partner are not sure what you like, masturbation is a great tool to explore this. You can masturbate alone, or together as a couple. Either way, you will learn more about your bodies by making time for self-pleasure.
Becoming a Better Lover
Try putting these 10 tips into practice with your partner to become a better lover. Communication, open-mindedness, and practice are the key things for enhancing your sex life and pleasing your partner.
While you may not become a better lover overnight, these tips will definitely help you to be better in bed and improve your sexual performance over time.
If you found these tips helpful, check out the rest of the content in the love and relationships section of our blog.